“Why would someone be so mean to a new employee? I thought one would be happy because they’ve got someone to help them with work!”
One of the most interesting and yet potentially disastrous things about face book is the status update. It says what is on your mind: basically the kind of stuff that swims around in your skull besides the functional neurons. And it can also throw you into regrettable trouble. The ‘Whasgono’, ‘Complaint’ and ‘Location’ updates can!
Anyway, this week my friends and I looked at several status updates with the intention of classifying them and reading between the lines. It has been a daunting task but one whose results we feel are worth sharing. You might recognize some of the examples we have used. Some could even be yours. But just pretend you are seeing them for the first time. Below are a few of the categories and the examples that killed us this week.
Broadcast
This is supposed to be newsworthy material. Something that just happened recently, is important and really worth alarming the world about. We saw several, such as “10-month chimpanzee rescued”; “The $ 1 bn home built in India”; “Kipsiro wins second gold medal”…
However the team agreed that the gold medal for the week’s broadcast goes to “Hello World, just in case u missed the story. Presenting to you a potential record holder in polygamy, "Grand Master" Akuku Danger. 100 wives, 206 kids and many great and grand kids. RIP Mzee. Akuku”. The “Hello World” intro was mega! You might also want to think that the broadcaster was really thinking about an old man finally going to be with the Lord. But if you encourage yourself to read between the lines you will realize that he must have been thinking, “Oh my, 100 wives! Viagra! Viagra! Viagra!”
Crazy stuff
Strange but true e.g.,“A chicken walks into a supermarket”. Mark you this update was complete with a picture! What do you expect of a journalist anyway?! This one had no equal but I felt like adding, “Have you heard about black-skinned chicken ?! the one that is claimed to make people ‘Grand Masters?!
The worm on a hook aka baiting
Basically intended to attract attention. Sometimes for no obvious reason. We recognized two updates, both from the same guy. These were, “Eh?!” and “Why”.
Cryptic, soduku, catch me if you can or back off
These updates could be written in a language other than English. In this case the author is deliberately shutting out some people. Examples, “Saat nya tidur... *ikutan jadwal Anya*... :)”, or “Obuhangazi bw'embeba bukagiriisa aha muguta gwa Kapa”. If your friend posts a comment in a language you don’t understand just take it they are hiding something from you. But it might not be that important especially when you finally realize that they were talking about their lousy cat finally eating up an old, tired and fat rat that had pitched camp in their bedroom! But if an update is written in English and it reads, “That was worth a hangover. I should have one”, just sit back and watch. The gold went to “I remember us driving in her brother's car, her body tanned and wet down at the reservoir. And at night I'd lie awake and pull her close just to feel each breath she takes…” The boys were very happy about this one because they discovered Bruce Springsteen and his lovely hit: “The River”.
Double Dutch
You might be fooled into thinking it is cryptic but it is actually unintelligible writing. Think about this, “English..teachers teach preachers preach..vegetarians dont eat vegetables humanitarians don't eat......???(complete)….” One of my boys said, “Sincerely I would have thought along the lines of “…vegetarians vegetate and humanitarians humanate. But only the author knows what they were attempting to do here.” The boys unanimously agreed that the author was ‘Double Dutching’!
Advice/ Quotes/Philosophy
You suddenly wake up in the morning feeling unusually wiser than normal. Or something happens to you and you decide to lend advice by throwing a quotation at us. This was so cool, “I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm...Theodore Roosevelt”. And you should quickly get the feeling that this guy got to the office a little too early and was then given an unenviable assignment. And then this, “If you are good at something, never do it for free”, tells you someone took the brother for granted. And he doesn’t want to you to suffer his fate.
Marketing/Promo
Jokes
The kind of innocent stuff that even Osama can laugh at. This particular joke was platinum material. “A preacher ended his sermon with, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river. And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river. And if I had all the whiskey, I'd take it and throw it into the river" He sat down. The song leader then stood and announced with a smile, "For... our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "We Shall Gather at the River". Seriously, if you didn’t laugh at this one then you need to call your doctor to fix an appointment ASAP.
Wacky
Stuff you wouldn’t say in the presence of your mum or wouldn’t want her to read. Unless she is wacky, she would be greatly disappointed. Embarrassed! “When u tickle the anus of a lion.... u dont expect it to lick yo nose!” Why do I think this guy tickled a cat the wrong way and he later imagined what it would be like on a larger scale?! The guy who asked, “Is it true that if she's on top she won't get pregnant? Gravity”, deserved serious spanking for letting the world know what he was thinking about during office hours.
Lackadaisical
Updates of this kind normally come after midnight. When the brain is weary but the eyes won’t shut. When you are also possibly in your worst state of boredom and creativity is running terribly low. This is when you should consider watching TV or going conjugal if you have legal access. Gold went to “Sipolingi sipolingi my faza lumbelu simula simula head.......omekyele ne nyama olyawo ki???? FENNE!!!!”. Silver went to “2:00 AM in the morning and I fell like going all the way to 6! Got to get to bed now..” And bronze “Oh Gosh! Sleepless night”.
Amorous
You are either in love and your update reeks of it. Or you are feeling like a god or goddess of love emitting amorous wisdom. You are the kind that should call up the Mills and Boon guys to propose a title. This would be a sneak preview of your latest project, “ Her smile is like a full moon in a dark sky, with her pale chocolate dark skin, her eyes glitter like the amber with her eyebrows inched high”, “I wanna see your face every time I come home. Stay with me, don’t fall asleep too soon. Angels can wait for a moment”.
This is indirectly informative. You are telling the circle what is actually happening in your life: what you are doing with yourself. Take this for example, “The paper work and money involved in moving is a pain...oh my!!!!” This person is shifting to a new house! The next one informs those interested that you are still at work. And if they are thieves, they have one hour to wind up: “Finishing a 12 hour shift but the last hour seems to drag!” Now the gold for this section went to this one, “…has decided to be in auto-pilot today”. It was so creative and yet laden with a lot of meaning. Some of the interpretations could lead you into trouble at work, if your superiors were to read such an update on a Thursday, for instance. One of the boys said, “If I was his boss, and I read his update, just after giving him an important assignment then I would know he has delegated. I would also question his earlier performance”. Another added that “You can’t be in autopilot on a working day unless you are a boss or supervisor. This person might even be trying to say that he was tired and therefore decided to sleep in the office. And that if anything goes wrong he should not be blamed.” The worst form of whasgono is you complaining about your job because if your boss found out they might eject you. Some people have been thrown out for posting silly remarks about their jobs.
Where thou art
Posting the location or ‘where thou art’ status update is the worst mistake one can ever make. You might think you are informing your friends where you are but you will end up in extreme shock upon returning home, after ‘spending the whole night in the club’, only to find your crib empty. Apparently some evil minded chaps can track your movements by simply following your status updates. And they will know when it is safe to strike. It has happened before and can happen to you if you are not careful.
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